The Lost Show:
I'll See You in Court (308)

Part 2

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Back in the Bundy Living Room

(Al, Peg, Marcy and Steve on the couch. Al and Peg enjoy watching the tape, Steve and Marcy are covering their faces with their hands. Al stops the VCR)

 On the Couch

Steve : I can't believe they taped us.
Marcy : And on back to school night. Steve, I feel so violated.
Al : Oh gee guys, if we had known you didn't know you were being taped, we never would have brought you over here and sprung this on you. I feel terrible (He starts laughing, so does Peg).
Steve : Yeah, yeah, laugh, clowns, laugh. But here's a hot flash for you : if they taped us, they taped you too.
Al :(Shocked) Peg, I told you we should never have sex! Now everybody's gonna know.
Peg : I just know my hair was a mess, and I had on my old night gown. I never look good in pictures.
Steve : I know this is off the subject, don't you realize that all our rights have been tremendously violated? We were caught in the act of... (Bud and Kelly enter in the room) and then the duckie said to the frog, 'Then why is it on the menu?'.
(All the adults laugh artificially. The kids sit down on the couch, smiling. Bud tries to take the TV remote control. Al takes it quickly before Bud can)
Al : No! TV is for adults.
Peg : Don't you kids have something to do?
Kelly : Well, personally I'm just killing time till I'm 18.
Bud : And I'm helping her count. (To Marcy) Mrs. Rhoades is blushing like a school girl.
Marcy : (To Peg) You told them! Everybody knows I'm a porn queen! (She's covering her face with her hands)
Bud : Kel, I believe something deeply personal is going on here, and it might be more comfortable for the adults if the children left the room. Therefore, I shall open the bidding.
Steve : Five dollars.
Bud : I hear 10. Any further bidding?
Kelly : Perhaps from the little lady with the deep secret?
Steve : Al, can't you get rid of 'em?
Al : Don't you think I've tried?
Marcy : All right, you little gangsters. How much are we talking?
Kelly : Well, 50 bucks hide a lot of shame.
Bud : Trust her, she should know.
(Steve gives the money to Bud)
Peg : Kids? Aren't you forgetting something?
Bud and Kelly : Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
(The kids go to their room, money in hand)
Peg : Al, what are we gonna do?
Al : Well, I don't know about you, but when the kids go to sleep, I'm looting.
Steve : I tell you what I'm gonna do : I'm gonna sue these vermin for everything they got.
Al : Well, I don't know, I've always been a fan of physical violence. How about if I go down there and break a back or two? That way, everybody's happy.
Peg : Quiet dear, Steve has a thought on how sex with you can finally be satisfying. So er ... we can make some money off this?
Steve : And see justice served. Right Marcy?
Marcy : When you go down there, and you've broken their spines and snapped their arms like little twigs, and they're truly, truly helpless, then I'll come in, yeah. I'll come in with just a mere old-fashioned can opener. And I'll do things to them that'll make the devil himself vomit.
Steve : Ur, or we could sue.
Peg : How much do you think we can get?
Steve : I think a million dollars is not out of the question.
Peg : A million dollars? Al, we hardly do anything together anymore. Let's sue.
Al : I don't know, it could be kind of embarrassing.
Peg : A million dollars, Al! Do you know what that means to you? Five thousand dollars!

In a Courtroom

(Steve, Marcy, Peg and Al are sitting on the plaintiff's bench. Some people are in the audience. Bud and Kelly aren't there. On the defentant's bench is an old woman)

Al (To Peg) : I told you Peg, we should had just beat the hell out of these people.
Peg : It's a million dollars Al. How else are we gonna get a million dollars? You earn it? Ha, ha! Now just relax and be outraged.
(The defender, Ms. Weigel, comes into the room)
Ms. Weigel : (To Steve) How lovely, new meat. (She sits down)
Peg : Who's that?
Steve : The attorney for the defense.
Al: Where's our lawyer?
Steve : You're looking at him. (Al looks around) It's me, you idiot! I figure this is an open and shot case. A lawyer takes 30%, that's 300 hundred thou. That leaves us only 700 hundred grand to split. After taxes we get squat. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. (The female black judge comes in, everybody but Steve stands up) Where's everybody going?
Marcy : We're standing for the judge, 'Mr. Darrow'.

 Mr. Darrow

(Steve stands up while everybody else sits down. Then Steve sits down, too)
Judge : This court is now in session, we'll be hearing 'Rhoades and Bundy vs. the Hop-on Inn'. We will now hear opening statements.
Steve : (He stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors) Hello everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy, went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and ... whatever the Bundys were doing ... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! (Marcy hides her face behind her hand) But first, I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country poor man ...
(Minutes go by)
Steve : Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease ...
(More minutes go by; We hear the Perry Mason Theme; Steve argues with great gestures and the stenographer falls asleep)

 Sleeping Stenographer

(The judge starts reading a book. After one hour Steve finishes)
Steve : And then, they tape us having sex. And that concludes my opening statement.
(The judge didn't notice his last sentence and reads on with her feet on the bench)
Steve : Er, your Honor?
Judge : (Taking chewing gum out of her mouth) Er ... thank you.
Steve : You're welcome.

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© Andreas Carl 1997