The Bald and the Beautiful (0307)
Final Draft Script
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This is the complete text of the final draft script of the episode "The Bald and the Beautiful" (0307)
with some of the additional text. If you want to have a look at the changes they made for the taping,
have a look at the comparison of the script and the transcript (51 KB).
Many thanks to Carolyn Crapo and Alex De Rouck who made this page possible.
Last update February 9, 1998.
Married... With Children
"The Bald and the Beautiful"
Production Code 0307
Final Draft December 15, 1988
Taping December 16, 1988
Executive Producers: Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
Supervising Producer: Richard Gurman
Producers: Sandy Sprung and Marcy Vosburgh
Associate Producer: Barbara Cramer
Director: John Sgueglia
Writers: Jules Dennis and Richard Mueller
Al Bundy: Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy: Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades: David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades: Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy: Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy: David Faustino
Lance: Graham Jarvis
Murray: Henry G. Sanders
Jim: Jim Maniaci
Crystal: Therese Kablan
Amber: Kay Wolf
Buck, the Dog: Mike, the Dog.
Int. Bundy Living Room/Kitchen
Int. Shoe Store
SFX (Sound Effects):
SCENE ONE (Peggy, Al, Steve, Announcer (V.O.))
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING
(A BEAT, THEN AL ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE.
HE IS FOLLOWED BY PEGGY, ALSO WEARING A ROBE AND SMOKING)
You were great, Al.
Leave me alone.
(THEY SIT ON THE COUCH)
C'mon, Al. I really really believe if you'd practice once in a while, you could actually get good at sex.
Honey, you don't have to hit your head.
That's the one part I enjoy, Peg. It takes my mind off what the rest of my body is going through.
Take it from me, it's not going through much.
Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?
(HE TURNS ON THE TV)
SFX: TV ON
And that's it for Monday Night Football.
(HE TURNS OFF THE TV)
SFX: TV OFF
(HE LOOKS AT PEGGY)
This isn't Tuesday, Peg.
(SHE HANGS HER HEAD)
You've done a bad thing. You must be punished. From now on, when we have sex, it has to be between two
Oh, Al. I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night.
Pretty brazen when you're all satisfied, aren't you?
Just because I scream doesn't mean I'm satisfied. I only screamed because my hair was caught in your watch.
I didn't wake you, did I?
You haven't yet.
(THEY KISS. SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS
AL OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE)
I just had sex, Steve. What do you want?
I'm in trouble, Al. I need help. I was out walking alone. I couldn't face being around people, so I came here.
Al, let me start at the beginning. I went to work this morning. Feeling good. Feeling spry.
The bank was crowded so I sent a teller on a break. I was on top of the world. Then I found this on my desk.
(STEVE HANDS AL A PIECE OF NEWSPAPER)
"Tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine." Well, it happens. Get on with your life, Steve.
Turn it over, Al.
(AL TURNS THE PAPER OVER)
"Monoxodyl: Hope for the hairless"
Do you know what this is? It's the stuff they give to men who are...
... going bald.
... going bald! Why would someone give this to me?
Well, let me see your head.
(STEVE TURNS AND SHOWS AL THE BACK OF HIS HEAD)
Do you see anything, Al?
Then it's true. It's starting.
That's like saying Bette Davis is just starting.
You saw this and didn't tell me?
I saw it and didn't care.
What am I going to do, Al?
You're awfully cavalier about this, y'know. Old Man Time has been doing a little mowing on your head, too.
Sure. You've seen my wife, my kids, my house. I'm lucky my hands haven't fallen off.
How can you accept this? If all our hair falls out, our wives won't want us anymore.
There you go. Look on the bright side.
I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy?
What if she leaves me? Who'll habe me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic.
What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar, with a sign that says "Please"?
C'mon, Steve. There's lots of popular bald guys.
Fred Mertz. Kruchev. Gallagher.
You forgot the Elephant Man.
Thanks for giving me some heroes, Al. Well, if you think of any others, y'know, like Bozo the Clown,
I'll be waiting on the ledge of the Sears Tower.
Steve, You can't do that. I've been up there and they have guardrails.
Then I'll just have to fight this thing with every follicle in my being. How am I going to hide this from Marcy?
Do what I do. Never turn your back on a woman. It's something I'd recommend even if you had hair like Rapunzel.
I gotta get some friends.
SCENE TWO (Al, Crystal, Amber, Steve)
INT. SHOE STORE - DAY
(AL IS BUISYING HIMSELF. TWO PRETTY YOUNG WOMEN ENTER. AL HAS HIS BACK TO THEM. HE SNIFFS THE AIR)
A Sea breeze.
(HE TURNS AND SEES THEM)
Hello. I see you're not fat and don't have an attitude, so you're obviously not looking for me.
What can I do for you?
We just came in to see if we could get some change. So many places have a rule that you have to buy something.
That's just for the homely.
(SHE HOLDS OUT A DOLLAR. HE TAKES IT)
Say, didn't you used to play football for the Bears?
Me? Well... yeah.
I knew it. You just have those rugged good looks of an athlete in his prime.
Yeah. It never goes away, does it? If it wasn't for this darn bum knee, I'd still be on those Wheaties boxes
like you remember me. Well, let me get your change.
(AL DOES AN EXAGGERATED LIMP TO THE REGISTER)
Damn this leg.
(THE GIRLS LOOK AT SOME SHOES)
You've seen that guy play football?
(AL OVERHEARS THE FOLLOWING)
No. I've got a soft spot in my heart for guys who are losing their hair.
Would you ever sleep with a bald guy?
Oh, God, no.
(AL CLEARS HIS THROAT BEHIND THEM. THEY TURN. HE GIVES CRYSTAL HER CHANGE)
Here you go.
(THEY EXIT. AL GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND LOOKS AT HIS HEAD IN THE MIRROR. STEVE ENTERS)
(INDICATES WITH THUMB)
Mecca's that way, Al.
Hey, Steve. How you doin'?
A little better than last night. I just ran into two girls who thought I was a football player.
Anyhow, I came down to get some Monoxodyl, but you need a perscription. All I could get over the counter
was this stuff: Dr. Fur.
(STEVE'S WATCH ALARM GOES OFF)
SFX: WATCH ALARM
Time to feed and seed.
(HE RUBS ON DR. FUR)
I can feel it working.
It smells like dog food.
If I thought it would grow hair, I'd put your socks on my head. You want some?
(WE SEE CRYSTAL AND AMBER WALK BY ON THE ARM OF A GUY WITH LONG, GOOD HAIR. BEAT, THEN AL LOWERS HIS HEAD.
STEVE POURS SOME ON)
SCENE THREE (Al, Peggy, Marcy, Buck)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING
(AL IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. BUCK IS LICKING AL'S HEAD)
(IN HIS SLEEP)
Go away, Peg. It's not Tuesday.
(PEGGY ENTERS, SNIFFING AT THE AIR)
Al, get up.
(AL WAKES UP)
Something smells. I think Buck threw up somewhere in the house, but I can't find it.
Well, I guess it'll turn up or it won't.
I wish you took that attitude on our sex nights. I'm going upstairs to finish my nap.
(HE GOES UPSTAIRS. BUCK FOLLOWS HIM)
Go away. Leave me alone.
AL (CONT'D) (O.S.)
Get off me
(PEGGY GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT TO MARCY)
Oh, Peggy, I'r, so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.
Ooh. The ribbed kind?
On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the Walkman.
That's not all. Steve insists we turn the light off when we make love.
Well, that was one c-I the few rules Al and I both agreed to.
I'm really worried. Usually on Monday nights, we go see an art film. Instead, Steve took me to an Elmer Fudd
retrospective. And all Steve kept saving was, "Isn't he sexy?" You think he's having an affair?
Oh, don't worry. Strange behavior in men doesn't necessarily mean anvthing. The smallest things can upset them.
Their favorite team loses, the car won't start, you lose your cigarette in his pudding.
I'm telling you, Steve has something on his mind.
So what are you supposed to do? Care? C'mon. He's got a mother. She broke him, let her fix him. We have enough
trouble in a marriage keeping ourselves happy. Let's shop and really give them something to worry about.
(THE GIRLS EXIT. BUCK RUNS DOWNSTAIRS. HE HAS THE BOTTLE OF DR. FUR IN HIS MOUTH. AL HURRIES AFTER HIM)
Bring that back.
(BUCK EXITS OUT THE DOG DOOR. AL REACTS)
(STEVE ENTERS THROUGH SLIDING GLASS DOOR. WE HEAR DOGS BARKING)
SFX: DOGS BARKING
Al, I've got some bad news. "Dr. Fur" has been recalled. They determined it to be one hundred percent dog food.
Steve, I bought twenty bucks worth of that stuff.
So, you got talken. But this stuff is the real thin
You betcha. You use this slime twice a day, and in two weeks,
(POINTS TO HEAD)
(AL REACHES FOR THE INSTA-HAIR)
Not so fast, Al. It may not work on you. The doctor I go-it from in the bar wouldn't sell it to me until
he tested me first. Sit down.
(AL SITS ON' THE COUCH)
Did this guy by any chance grab you and ask you to cough?
Do you want to know if you're an Insta-hair candidate or not?
Okay, Steve. Gimme the test.
(STEVE LIGHTS A MATCH AND BLOWS IT OUT)
Here we go.
(STEVE TOUCHES THE MATCH HEAD TO AL'S SCALP)
Good! Good! My head burned, too.
Great, Steve. Hang on, a second.
(HE GOES TO THE CLOSET AND GETS A BASEBALL BAT)
I have a little test for you, Steve.
Don't you see, Al? Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that better than anybody.
Your follicles are alive.
(STEVE GIVES HIM A BOTTLE AND TAKES ONE FOR HIMSELF)
Bottoms up, Al.
(AL DRINKS A DEEP SLUG FROM THE BOTTLE. HE REACTS)
Uh, Al. You're not supposed to drink it. It goes on your head.
Then why the Hell did vou say "Bottoms up" for?
Don't worry. Let me check something.
(HE READS THE LABEL, THEN)
Can you still see me?
Well, it says sometimes it takes a few days. Splash some on your head.
(THEY EACH RUB THEIR HEADS HAPPILY)
Steve, I'm gonna part mine. What are you gonna do with yours?
I'm gonna grow mine wild like a lion' s mane.
You know if we don't grow hair I'm gonna kill you.
If we don't grow hair, you won't have to.
END OF ACT ONE
SCENE ONE (Al, Steve, Kelly, Bud)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER
(AL AND STEVE RUB ON. KELLY AND BUD ENTER. THEY WATCH FOR A BEAT)
Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?
We're growing hair, Bud.
They're growing hair, Kell.
Why? They're old. Who looks at 'em anyway?
Yeah. Look around you, Dad. If hair got you all this, let it go.
Let him laugh, Al. In ten years his head will be as barren as your lawn.
What do you mean?
Wel1, Bud, hair is hereditary. So is hair loss.
You mean by the time his skin clears up, his hair will be falling out? Oh, Bud. My poor sexless, hairless brother.
I'm so happy for you.
Oh, Dad. Why did you have me? For a biological experiment? I was just getting used to being poor and now this.
Easy, Bud. Stress causes baldness. Relax. And remember, you can always make money selling flowers at airports.
I'll lend vou one of my dresses.
Yeah. Give me the one that says "Put 'em here, boys."
(KELLY BRUSHES S0ME IMAGINARY HAIR OFF BUD'S SHOULDER, AND EXITS)
Dad, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna lose just a little like you, or am I gonna be like Mr. Rhoades?
(STEVE MASSAGES MORE FURIOUSLY)
Bud, sit down.
I hope that by the time you're a man, hair isn't important. That a man isn't judged by how he looks on the outside,
but who he is on the inside.
That's not gonna happen, so here you go.
(HE GIVES BUD THE BOTTLE. THE THREE GUYS RUB AWAY)
SCENE TWO (Kelly, Peggy, Al, Bud, Steve)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(KELLY IS ON THE COUCH, BRUSHING BUCK. PEGGY COMES DOWNSTAIRS)
Hi, Kelly. I'm sorry I couldn't make breakfast. I was busy prying off the pillow that was stuck to daddy's head.
He's not growing any hair, is he?
No, but a few hundred came away with the pillow.
Y'know, it's amazing. I saw pictures of Dad when he was young. He stood upright. And he had hair.
Now look at him. How's a woman to know?
You can't honey. Basically, it's a crap shoot.
Peg. Did you throw out those hairs that I had sitting on the counter?
Sometimes you come up craps.
(PEGGY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. BUD COMES DOWNSTAIRS. KELLY SEES HIM. AND PLANTS A CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR ON THE COUCH)
Hey, Bud. Sit dowN. I want to talk to you.
Look, Kell. I don't think we have much to talk about after you painted my face on Dad's bowling ball and
left it outside my door.
I was cruel, and I want to apologize. You're not losing your hair. Look.
(SHE PALMS BUCK'S HAIR AND TOUSLES HIS HAIR, AND BRINGS OUT THE CLUMP OF BUCK'S HAIR AND SHOWS HIM)
(SHE LETS IT FALL FROM HER FINGERS. HE REACTS WITH HORROR AND RUSHES UPSTAIRS)
Dad! It's starting.
You don't mind that I'm playing with Bud, do you?
No. That's why we had him. Come with mee to the store. I've got to pick up some of this "Dr. Fur" for Buck.
It's the only thing he'll eat. His coat looks nice, too.
(THEY EXIT CROSSING STEVE, WHO WEARS A FEDORA)
Ladies. Is Al home?
Upstairs. You look good in a hat, Steve.
(THEY EXIT AND CLOSE THE DOOR. A BEAT, THEN WE HEAR THEM LAUGH. STEVE REACTS. AL COMES DOWNSTAIRS)
Oh. Hey, Steve. Stupid hat. Let me see your head.
(STEVE SHOWS HIM)
It's a graveyard, Steve. Me?
(HE SHOWS STEVE HIS HEAD)
A ghost town.
We may as well face it, Steve. This stuff isn't working. It tastes good, but it's not working.
We're gonna have to learn to live with it. These are our heads.
I can't bear this burden alone, Al. I've heard that help is available for guys like us, but I need to
borrow your shoe store.
SCENE THREE (Steve, Al, Bald Guys, Murray, Lance, Jim)
INT. SHOE STORE - NIGHT
(WE SEE THAT CHAIRS HAVE BEEN ARRANGED FOR A MEETING AND SITTING IN THEM ARE ABOUT A DOZEN BALD MEN,
STEVE AND AL AMONG THEM. A SIGN, COMPLETE WITH THE LOGO OF A BALD EAGLE, IS HUNG BEHIND A MAKESHIFT PODIUM.
MURRAY, THE HEAD BALD GUY, STEPS TO THE PODIUM AND BANGS A CALL THE MEETING TO ORDER)
Hi, I'm Murray. And I'im bald.
Hi guys. It's wonderful to be here with my brothers in baldness.
I always wondered what's below the bottom of the barrel. Now I know. It's me.
Leave me alone, Steve.
Right now, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Brother Lance.
(LANCE STANDS UP)
Hi. I'm Lance and I'm bald.
I'd like to open this week's meeting on a sad note. Brother Herbert went to Hawaii and forgot to pack his hat.
A hairy child put a reflector by his head as he dozed, and well, it'll be a long time before he does his famous
head in the bowling ball cleaner routine again.
(THEY ALL MOAN SADLY)
So I'd like to bring up a motion to send him-, the traditional arrangement of balloons with ears, so he'll think
of us. All in favor?
Motion carries. Which brings me to our thought for tonight. "Hair. How can we stop it?" Now, I admit, at one time,
man might have needed hair. Like in prehistoric times when very large birds flew overhead and hats hadn't been
invented. But times have changed. We've evolved. Or should I say some of us have evolved. Let's face it. We no
longer need appendixes, we no longer need wisdom teeth, and we certainly don't need John Davidson.
Or Michael Landon
Or Gene Shalit
Or Joe Garagiola
He's bald, Jim.
Yeah, but I'm sick of him.
Well, the point is the bald are more evolved, more intelligent and more sophisticated. So next time a hairy child
comes up and says, "Hey, let me rub your head for luck," you just tell that child, "That's not what your mother
Now, let's share. Who among us shall be first?
(STEVE RAISES HIS HAND)
(STEVE STANDS UP)
I'm Steve and I've been cancealing my... problem...
My baldness from my wife. I was ashamed.
(THE BALD MAN NEXT TO AL IS TEARING UP. AL REACTS)
But you have given me the strength to be proud of my hairline, no matter where it may wander across my head.
You're the greatest. I love you.
(THEY APPLAUD. STEVE SITS DOWN)
Good, Brother Steve. Tell her so she can realize, like thousands of other women have, that bald men are sexier,
more virile, and aerodynamic. Let's face it. It doesn't get better than bald. A bald head says good in bed.
(THEY ALL CHEER)
All right! Brother Al. Have you been moved to share?
Sure, I'll share. Let me share this little tidbit with you. You guys are nuts. Attractive, virile, sexy?
Women want you? For what? To check their make-up? But you human flashlights have really helped me.
When I came here tonight, I thought I was bald. But looking at you 'guys, I realize two things.
One, I really miss playing pool, and two, I'm not bald. Steve's not bald. You guys are bald. Really bald.
Hundred watt, soft-white bald. Steve, we should feel great, cause we got hair. And I'll tell you something else.
If and when I do lose my hair, I still won't be sitting here with you. Cause I've got something at home that doesn't
care what I look like. That accepts me for what I am, and is always there when I need it. My couch.
(HE SWAGGERS OUT AS BALD GUYS BOO HIM)
SCENE FOUR (Steve, Marcy)
INT. SHOE STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT
(STEVE SITS ALONE. MARCY ENTERS)
Steve? Al told me I'd find you here. What's wrong?
I've just been sitting here trying to decide how to tell you something terrible.
What is it, Steve?
I'm going bald.
That's it. That's the news.
I've known that since the day you got on your knees to propose.
Then you still think I'm attractive?
Oh, Steve. Of course. Anybody would.
Well, somebody doesn't. Look what somebody put on my desk.
(HE TAKES OUT THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPING)
I put that there.
'Cause it was your turn to shop and tuna, three for a dollar forty-nine is a great deal.
END OF ACT TWO
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